Paddle and Pillage

I must confess my ignorance about all things paddling. I thought kayaking and canoeing were the same thing - basically, not rowing backwards. You know, what Grant Kenny did between bowls of Nutri-Grain. But thanks to the BBC Beginners Guide I now know my C1's from K2's and Pro Vitamin B5s.

I watched the semi-finals of the C2 yesterday and was intrigued. These poor bastards actually have to haul their boat down the river while down on one knee! I can barely kneel in front of a toilet after a big night out, let alone for 500 metres while stabbing the water with a big stick. It's like they are trying to propose to a really, really indecisive woman.

Canoeing does have a certain primal appeal. There's shades of Viking in that flimsy sliver of a boat, sturdy men grunting and groaning their way down the river. One begins to imagine they're on their way to pillage a village.

This morning Martin Marinov, Australia's first canoeing Olympian since 1964, was shattered when he placed 5th in his semi-final. His coaches were hoping this Bulgarian-born beefcake would raise the profile of the sport Down Under. But Martin, my dear, I feel the answer lies in helmets, swords and screaming villagers. Aussie blokes will flock to canoeing if they hear there's costumes, just look at those idiots on The Footy Show.