On Golden Pond

GB gold at last! Shirley Robertson's Yngling crew clinched gold with a race to spare.

I have no idea what a Yngling is. A small green man from planet Yng, or a herbal tea that aids digestion.

But who cares? Shirley is Scottish and here at the Palace of Scotch Sport my colleagues have something to rejoice about. Everyone is smiling. Well done ladies!

I caught a bit of the sailing in my lunchbreak, and discovered a whole new level of snoredom. It is hard to make a televisual spectacle out of a bunch of yachts slowly lurching their way around some coloured blobs. The BBC has sent Suzi Perry along in an attempt to add some sauciness to the reportage, I mentioned her in the last post - she is the veritable vixen who gets down trackside during during the MotoGP. But motorbikes are sexy on telly, sailboats not so much. Even Sexy Suze is struggling with the material.

I watched a bit of footage from this morning's races, and noticed that the sailing commentator seems to be channeling Sir David Attenborough. There's all those long... pauses and whispered... tones that you usually find in wildlife documentaries. The Italians... are in the lead... and now... here comes... The British... and don't forget... the Jap... anese.

I can't watch the sailing without expecting to see one yacht try to eat another, or else issue some sort of... primitive... mating... call.

Totally Oarsome

The problem with sports media is that there's a limited bag of cliches and puns and nicknames that journalists and presenters can draw from. Let's look at nicknames. If you're a lady swimmer who's brill at butterly, you're bound to be dubbed Madame Butterfly. If you're a male gymnast who's a dab hand at the rings, of course you're Lord of the Rings (maybe).

So yes, a lot of recycling has to go on. Yesterday I was watching the rowing with my Scottish colleagues and the BBC referred to the British coxless fours team as The Oarsome Foursome.

"No way!" said I, "You call your guys The Oarsome Foursome too?"

I found it all rather amusing. However, the original Oarsome Foursome(TM), the multi-gold medal winning Aussies, had a major strop in 2000 when the British media started applying the term to the UK team. And fair enough - these guys have made a living from that name, appearing in advertisments for tinned fruit and launching a fitness video.

But crikey, what else are you going to call a quintet of talented blokes hauling themselves backwards down a river? The Rockin Rowers? The Pretty Good Paddlers? Nooo... that has no reference to quantity. And sounds utterly rubbish.

The best team nickname in the world in my book: The New Zealand basketball team - The Tall Blacks, naturellement.

In terms of imaginative sports commentary that leaves the cliches behind, you can't go past the BBC's Charlie Cox. Alongside that sexpot Suzi Perry, he brings pizzazz to the MotoGP with his wacky phrases, like "madder than a moray eel" and "winds that'd blow a dog off a chain".